Full House: What Not to Watch

My latest bad idea is an effort to find the ten worst episodes of Full House. With so much crap to choose from, finding the ten worst is quite the challenge. For an episode to qualify, it must have some of the following qualities: laughably ridiculous storylines, lame jokes (from someone other than Joey, as his jokes are always lame), unnecessary plots, annoying characters (on top of Joey and Michelle), bad acting, bad writing, season 6 credits, irritating situations, or bad editing. Being boring (like “Sea Cruise”) isn’t enough. So, what are the ten worst? Read on to find out.

#10: Those Better Not Be the Days

MaryKate, Jodie, Candace, and Ashley
You know, I'm thinking these women could play the adult Tanner girls. By the way, doesn't the one on the right look like a typical Ashley?
If you’ve ever driven be an accident, it’s hard to look away because you’re curious to know how it happened. This episode is clearly an accident and touch to look away from, but this time it’s just to see how bad it gets. DJ and Stephanie turn into complete brats that take advantage of the adults around. In response, the guys trade places with the girls to show them how difficult they have been. The guys turn into adult Michelles and drive DJ and Stephanie up a wall. I don’t understand how this roleplay could possibly work. (To be fair, the quick gag where DJ eats the corners off of Jesse’s sandwich was funny. Even Candace looked ready to crack up.) Anyway, when two of the likable characters turn into whomever George Michael was singing about in “Everything She Wants,” it’s hard to watch. Naturally, the plan failed, so Danny flashes forward to the girls’ adulthood. The part from the future is simply awful. The acting and costumes on the men and Becky are hideous and the whole skit isn’t written very well. The less said about the grown up girls, the better. Michelle is still a pest, though. Having said that, it’s just a pointless dream of Danny’s, and it wasted ten minutes of our time. They all talk at the end and the girls finally get it. Why in God’s name didn’t that happen before the pointless dream or badly planned lesson? While the episode had a point, most of it felt like filler.

#9: Crushed

Wait, there was a Club Stephanie?
So, why were they still making books three years after the show ended? And can you name any Tommy Page songs? I didn't think so.
Stephanie is crushing on Tommy Page, who was a real artist, but if you’ve never heard of him outside of this show, then you’re in the same boat as me. Danny pulls some strings and Page shows up at Stephanie’s tenth birthday party. At the party, the girls dance normally at first, then bust out a dance that was obviously rehearsed. Stephanie is next placed in a chair while Danny sends Page in to surprise her. Page tortures us with some bland pop song, but Steph is eating it up. Tommy and DJ then set up a date. This sets up a conflict between DJ and Stephanie. Why they would fight over a tool like Tommy is anyone’s guess. In the subplot, Michelle enrolls in Joey Gladstone’s Comedy College. Joey (with A as a middle initial, so I’ll call him Jag for this entry) thinks he can make Michelle worth watching. Jag isn’t funny; how could he possibly teach Michelle? Michelle is trying to get Nicky and Alex (this is the only point that those two are worth mentioning on this page) to laugh, which is a wasted effort. She even tried some of Jag’s ideas on Tommy. Really, Michelle, just give it up. When you need Jag to tell you how to be funny, you’ve got no chance. Look, if you’re a fan of Jodie Sweetin, you’ll like the strong performance she gives here. However, you’ll also have to sit through bad music by Page, a subplot that’s stupid and annoying, and an unhealthy dose of unrealistic dialogue.

#8: Please Don't Touch the Dinosaur

Go ahead, Michelle. Touch this dinosaur. Let it rip you apart.
Danny and Jesse clash over how to supervise a group of children at the museum. Jesse turns on some music and they start reenacting the dancing from Peanuts. That idiot Aaron is dancing on the couch. Danny enters and the kids split into groups. Jesse is turning his kids loose while Danny’s are at boot camp. Danny is about to send Jesse to the ER. Jesse’s party of five (ok, it’s really eight) is out of control, leading up to Michelle knocking out a bone in the dinosaur’s leg, somehow leading to a collapse instead of tipping over. Michelle and Jesse have so little time (about a New York Minute or so) to fix it that they never do. Later, Jesse tells Michelle it’s all right and that it was an accident. Yeah, right. Sure it was. Crossing the barrier unsupervised and knocking down an expensive artifact while playing tag in a museum is an accident. You oughta know that ain’t right. Meanwhile, Stephanie cleans out Joey’s car and discovers a few baseball cards, including the make it or break it Nolan Ryan card. The card ends up in Steve’s hands. Apparently, that card is worth $2000. Please. It’s Nolan Ryan, the jerk that throws at hitters and they get suspended, not him. I wouldn’t pay a quarter for that card. Steve sells the card for $30. The girls are about to break him in half. Skip this one unless you like yelling at your tv set. (By the way, did you catch the titles of the actors’ other works?)

#7: Luck Be a Lady, Part 1

Full House
The Full House people want to see, complete with the three girls and two J's.
Readers, get out a shovel to escape the deep pit of bull you’re about to step into. There’s more holes in this plot than there is in a whiffle ball. “Luck be a Lady” takes place in Lake Tahoe, where Danny and Becky are doing a special episode of “Wake Up San Francisco.” With a title like that, shouldn’t the show be taped in…I don’t know…San Francisco? What could possibly be going on in Lake Tahoe that’s important to the city of San Francisco? Either way, it’s obviously a work trip, so why did Danny bring his girls there instead of leaving them and Joey at home? (Edit: Never mind. Would you leave your kids home alone with Joey?) In other events, Jesse spends the episode hitting on Becky in a plot that I don’t care about, all leading up to a Slap Slap Kiss. Meanwhile, Stephanie decides to go play the slots when Danny mentions that that it’s illegal for her to do so. She and DJ walk right by a security guard as he watches them. Joey starts winning, so his message to the girls that “gambling is wrong” has changed to “play until you lose.” The girls don’t care, probably because both messages are stupid. Joey leaves for a change bucket while walking by the buckets right behind him. As he walks away, the girls are told to guard the machine. They guard it by inserting a dollar that the casino owner gave Stephanie and pulling the handle. DJ hits the jackpot. Wait…what? Who let a 12 year old into the casino? How did she get anywhere near a slot machine? How does nobody notice any of this? How did Joey return before the bell rang? Whatever. Later, the owner catches DJ on camera using a silver dollar that HE gave Stephanie. What’s wrong with this guy? I wish there was a scene of him trying to explain to his lawyers of why he allowed two girls to play the slots with his money. That would be hilarious.

#6: Fuller House

Got Wood?
If anyone needed to move out, it's this dummy. He should take the woodchuck with him, too.
As much fun as it is to bash Michelle for being such an annoying runt, she doesn’t deserve it here. Her reaction seems normal for her age. However, the adults’ way of handling it is atrocious. For Jesse, Becky, and Danny to base a major decision on the reaction of a preschooler is absurd. Anyway, don’t forget the rest of the stupidity. See if you caught any of these nonsensical “highlights.”
  1. DJ and Kimmy show superhuman strength by dragging Stephanie’s bed across the room, with her on it. It wasn’t in the room in a later scene.
  2. Jesse somehow rips a wallpaper bunny off the bedroom wall, gets it framed, and gives it to Michelle to remember him. Never mind that he’ll be visiting often and the bunnies were in Stephanie’s room.
  3. Jesse just moves in with his wife, and he immediately starts thinking about Michelle, because no man could make love to his wife until any four year olds he knows are happy with him.
  4. Amazingly, Stephanie gets her fractions down after solving one problem, and no explanation of the concept.
  5. Becky lies about termites and tells Jesse that she hired an exterminator. Jesse makes no mention of the fact that he used to be one. You’d think Jesse would know how to handle pests. After all, he’s lived with two since the first episode. I would say that the writers threw season one out of canon, but there is a flashback to the pilot. Huh?

#5: The Return of Grandma

Take It Elsewhere
Take it somewhere else, Ms. Tanner.
Seriously, if you write an episode for a television series, wouldn’t it make sense to watch all of the previous episodes to make sure you don’t break the continuity? That’s the biggest problem here: this episode doesn’t fit the continuity of the show. By itself, it may not have made this list, but knowing the direction the characters took later in the series, it doesn’t fit. The writers of the later episodes must have never watched this one. In this half hour of nonsense, the Tanners are expecting a visit from Danny’s mother. Joey announces that she’s coming at 5:12. She arrives at 12:05. Excuse me, how do you make that mistake? Why is Joey such a moron? Why did Joey have a mannequin that always wore the same shirt as him? Really, that would mean that Joey has at least two of each shirt that he wears. Where does the money for that come from? He’s living in a friend’s house for free and doesn’t have a steady income. Meanwhile, Danny’s mom calls in some backup because the house is too dirty. Come on, is this the same Danny Tanner that was a neat freak and cleaned his cleaning products? Am I to believe that Danny would let that happen? Either way, Claire (Danny’s mom) brings over Joey’s and Jesse’s mothers to supervise grown men like they are on probation. They all yap about what is best for their granddaughters. They don’t consider two facts: a) Danny is a grown man who already is doing what’s best for his girls; and b) Joey is not related to the girls in any way, so neither is his mother. Why is Joey there, anyway? Jesse and Danny can handle this. The mothers then decide that everything is satisfactory, so they fly home to boss around their other offspring. When we see who gave birth to Danny and Jesse in later episodes, the actresses have changed and so has Jesse’s name. How do you justify that, writers? Meanwhile, the girls manage to pull off the impossible: they lose a turtle. What happened: did it run away? I don’t think so. If you choose to watch this, keep in mind that this is out of character for all three guys.

#4: Michelle a la Cart

Picture taken from salemsbd.org
Real girls race in a watermelon. They don't need to cheat by sticking roses on the front.
Man, I hate this one. I don’t know why I put myself through this torture. The writers should be removed from this planet for this mess. Some plot-convenient annoying little boy (surprisingly not Aaron) spouts off some nonsense about how girls can’t work on cars. Michelle then recruits Becky, at which point, Danny and Jesse step out of character and make fun of Becky, discouraging Michelle in the process. Meanwhile, Joey is learning ballet downstairs in a plot that has no reason to exist except to parallel Michelle’s plot and to make sure Jodie Sweetin appears somehow. It’s pointless. Then, after all that pain, the episode goes “downhill.” How does it get worse, you may ask? Well, Danny does a sudden, complete reversal without any prompting beyond Michelle’s disappointment. But forget that. For the crowning moment of failure, let’s go to the soapbox derby. There are three heats in the first round, all conveniently won by plot-relevant characters. Next, Denise (whose presence is surprising given the nature of the plot) loses to Kenny, setting up Kenny’s final race against Michelle. Michelle, of course, wins it, hammering home the lesson they hit us over the head with. Thanks, writers. We knew twenty minutes earlier that she would win, but amazingly that’s not even the main tragedy here. She won “by a rose.” She stuck a flower on the front of the car. What the **** kind of derby is this? How is that flower considered part of the car? Aren’t there rules on how long the car can be? How is Michelle not disqualified? And why can’t they edit out the part where Saget shakes his rear for the camera? Yuck.

#3: You Pet It, You Bought It

Shorty's Arrival
An entire cast shot from this episode. Joey is in front with all the gray hair.
Good God, Michelle buys a flipping donkey with the money she raised selling lemonade to construction workers that Stephanie, Becky, and she have no business fawning over. Later, Danny allows Kimmy to take Michelle to the candy store. For some reason, the Tanners seem to inexplicably show a lot of trust in Kimmy, even though she often lets them down, and this is no exception. Why did Kimmy stop by the petting zoo, anyway? Worse, why didn’t anyone get on Kimmy’s case for allowing this to happen? Kimmy allowed Michelle to waste her money and should know that Danny would never allow a donkey (well, besides Joey) into the house. Once Shorty is brought home, what took everyone so long to realize that it was trouble? They let the path of destruction go too long. By the way, why would a traveling zoo be on the Tanners’ block on its way to Seattle? None of this makes any sense and I have no way of explaining the amazing series of coincidences that take place here. On top of that, Jesse sings the “Three’s Company” theme in about half of the scenes, and he doesn’t even know all of the flipping words! So, to summarize: a 7 year old talking about hot men, highly improbable coincidences, a loud and obnoxious donkey, and a lot of repetitive singing. This one will test your suspension of disbelief.

#2: The Apartment

DJ and Steve
DJ and Steve before they found their way over to a cement truck.
The best thing about this episode is that Michelle is barely in it. Of course, she still managed to anger me, Danny, and Stephanie by the end of her second scene. If I had a little sister who was collecting leaves and she put the leaves with bugs on my bed, first I’d tell, and if that didn’t help, I’d take care of her myself, and that won’t be pretty. Anyway, Danny rips DJ a new backside when she falls asleep at Steve’s place. Never mind that she’s proven herself trustworthy from the start. Danny goes so far as to spy on her, as if DJ and Steve have no judgement. Please. So DJ gets yelled at for staying over too late, but she and Steve can DUMP CEMENT through the kitchen window, and that just gets a talk? Yes, cement. What’s worse it that it’s even more ridiculous than it sounds. Danny was popping a vein yelling at DJ, which kept him from noticing the mess that Michelle created. As usual, Michelle gets off easy. Later on, DJ and Steve hit a switch on the dump truck, breaking the window and covering the floor with cement. See if you can cement the cracks in the plot:

#1: The House Meets the Mouse, Part 1

Please tell me this is a joke...
Ahhh!!! What did the world do to deserve this?
It’s only fitting that the worst episode of the series mercifully put an end to the abysmal sixth season. Season six started with “Come Fly with Me,” an episode that deserves dishonorable mention for thinking we’d believe that Stephanie and Michelle somehow stowed away on a plane to New Zealand. The other bookend was this steaming pile of feces. Now, to be fair, I refuse to watch the second part because the first is so bad, so I can’t rate it. Anyway, this episode reeks of executive meddling. I bet someone under the Disney umbrella insisted their shows take place in Disneyworld, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if that person said to center it on Michelle. Thanks, Disney. What did we do to deserve this? Back to the plot, or at least the part I suffered through, Jesse and Becky are going to celebrate their anniversary at Disneyworld. However, this is Full House, where the entire family just has to go, plus Joey and Kimmy. The family splits up once they get there, anyway, so it’s pointless to have everyone there. While Danny bores us with some plot with Vicki, the real pain comes from the girls’ story. Stephanie stands in line to rub a lamp to become a princess for the day. As good as that sounds, Michelle weasels her way in front of Stephanie, and the stupid writers make the little runt a princess. Stephanie is pissed off, almost as much as I am. It’s at this point that I turn this show off. This is the only episode I refuse to ever watch again, so some details may be lacking. If you decide to watch this to see how awful it is, challenge yourself to last more than 15 minutes into it.

So there you have it. Those are the worst episodes of Full House. Narrowing it down to ten was a tough task because there are so many contenders, but let's not forget that there are some good episodes, too, but it wouldn't be as much fun to heap praise on this, now, would it? This list is all supposed to be in good fun. I hope you enjoyed it.